Sunday, October 28, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Surprise - Loss - Hope
This has taken me a while to write...it's a little long.
Have you ever been given something that you weren't expecting, but realized how much you wanted it and then it was taken away? I have actually had that happen twice in the last year. The first experience was with my niece's children. Without going into a bunch of detail, my niece was having a very hard time and her two children, ages 3 years and 17 months, came to stay with us. It was crazy with 6 kids in the house and 3 of them being 3 and under, but I loved it. Everything was going so well, after a few weeks, we were actually talking about her kids staying for upwards of 2 years so she could try and get her stuff together. The next day we were going to the lawyer to do guardianship paperwork so I could act as a parent to her children with things like doctor's appointments, child care, ect.. At the lawyer's office, my niece decided to send her kids to FL with her mother and they never came back to my house. It was not just the fact that they were sent elsewhere, there were also a lot of personal attacks on me, my family and my reasons for wanting to be the childrens' guardian, which were completely bogus, but it hurt. The attacks were not from my niece, but her mother and her ex mother-in-law. I was shocked and felt like I had been punched in the gut. I missed them terribly, still do. It was heartbreaking for me because I truly love them and felt very protective of them. But it was also heart breaking for my kids which made it even worse for me. I had to explain that they went to live with their grandmother and that they weren't coming back. Bella took it harder than the other kids. I just cried when Bella looked at me crying and said "But they were suppose to be here for Christmas".
It's still a sensitive subject for me because I really love her kids and I knew that once they went to their grandmother's house I would probably not have any contact with them again. It's been about 10 months and I have seen the 3 year old once since. I miss them and hope they are OK.
After going through that hurt, I thought about possibly fostering in the future and also that I was young enough that I could still have more of my own children if I wanted to and those thoughts certainly did help.
Fast forward then a few months to March. I was busy with the kids and dogs as usual. One day after I took the kids to school I realized that I was about a week late for my period. It didn't really phase me because I sometimes would go 4-5 months without a period, probably due to my weight and stress. But I thought "Maybe I better take a test". I ran down to the store and they had pregnancy tests that were $1 so I bought 4 of them. I came home and took 2 of them and they were immediately positive. I thought "No way, these are cheap, it's a false positive" So I called my niece because I know she had used the same kind before and I asked her if they were accurate. She got real serious and said "Yeah, they're the only tests I have ever used, so congrats. Oh and don't tell anyone, but since you're telling me this, I guess I'll tell you, I'm pregnant too". I still didn't believe it, so I called my family doctor and went in for a blood test. Sure enough the nurse calls me the next day and says "you are definitely pregnant!" All I could thing was "Wow, oh wow" I immediately started to worry. "How are we going to do this?" Jonathan was working 6 days a week between his 2 jobs and we were just starting to get back on our feet after being down for so long. Having another baby was a just a thought we had for the future MAYBE, not now. But then it hit me, we're a married couple, our children are awesome, Jonathan is working, we have health insurance, we're not on medicaid or welfare, we'll be OK. And we just kinda smiled and said "OK here we go!" and I was immediately relieved and excited.
I went ahead and made my first Dr appt and everything seemed fine. I went back the next week for an ultrasound to see how far along I was and I was 6 weeks 1 day, they could even see the heart beat. Doc said everything looked good, but because I am diabetic he was going to see me every 2 weeks throughout the pregnancy. Kind of annoying, but OK, no biggie.
Friday April 27th, the big kids are off to school, I have an appt at the vet to take my dog Spunky in for x-rays to do a puppy count and Elijah is being goofy Elijah. Spunky was acting really weird, and I contemplating on even taking her to the vet or just seeing what she does. We go to the vet, see 5, maybe 6 pups on film, I get her back in the van and before I even leave the parking lot, she starts having puppies in my car. We get home, I get her set up and allow her to labor in quiet. I decided to go outside and mow some of the grass. Elijah was in his stroller eating cheesy poofs while I mowed for a little while. Came back in to check on Spunky. I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding a little. I wasn't sure what to do, so I waited a little. Checked again and it was getting worse, but I felt completely fine. I called the Dr and a different doc called me back.
He told me it was probably nothing and that since the heartbeat had been detected, it was unlikely that I was having a miscarriage, but that if it got worse to call him back. So I let Jonathan know what was going on and that I was going to lay down. Not even 15 minutes later the cramps came on and the bleeding got much worse. I knew this was not going to end well. I emailed Jonathan and told him there would be no baby. I know it's going to sound gross, but I took pictures of what I was seeing to show my sister who works at an OB/GYN office and she said the same thing I was thinking, that much blood loss, I was miscarrying. Jonathan left work and came straight home. All I could do was cry. The kids came home from school and I tried to pull it together. The bleeding got worse. I called the doctor back, told him what was going on and he said to go to the ER. So we packed everyone up and headed over.
They were nice at the ER, but it was very uncomfortable because these aren't my doctors and the the ER is very open with only curtains separating the beds and you can hear everything. There was a boy to my right who had been playing with his brother , got hit in the face and had a foriegn body stuck up in his eye. He was lucky though because he didn't have any scratches on his cornea and they were able to get it right out. The woman to the left of me was having bad stomach pains and was diagnosed with ovarian cysts. Her husband was in med school and quit in his 3rd year. He almost seemed proud to tell the nurses that. So yeah, not very private and I am sure they all heard my problem. The doc there sent me for an ultrasound. The tech told me I couldn't see the screen and she couldnt tell me anything, I understand that. I was very embarrassed because I was bleeding so bad. I think it may have surprised the ultrasound tech too. As she is wheeling me back to the ER, the Dr came out of another curtain. They stood behind me and whispered to each other, right there in the hallway. I thought to myself "Damn, can't you at least get me back to my curtain area and not talk about me behind my back". So the Dr come in about 10 mins later and tells me it's a total miscarriage. I knew that already, but it's really hard to hear. He then tells me that I am losing too much blood and they need to give me medication to make my uterus clamp down to stop the bleeding. He said it will make my cramps a lot worse. I wasn't trying to be rude, but at that point I just said "Whatever, hurry up, I need to go home, it's 11pm and my husband has to be to work at 6 am" They gave me a pill there of Methergin and a script for 4 more pills that I had to take every 4 hours and a script for Lortab for the pain. We left and headed home. That was it. It was over. I bawled. It was made worse by the fact that the 24 hour Walgreens didn't have the Methergin. Then we stopped at the 24 CVS a the next corner. We specifically asked if they had the medication BEFORE we dropped it off and they told us yes they had it and to come back in 20 minutes. We pulled back around the drive through 18 minutes later and the lady comes to the window and says "I was just about to call you, we don't have it". I about flipped out. She tried to call some other pharmacies to get it and the only one that was open that had it was 20 some miles away. I told her forget it and to give me the script back. Then she started saying that this was a very serious medication and that I needed to take it. I told her to give me the script I'd just go get it in the morning. And then I cried the rest of the way home. The next few days were awful really. I just tried to stay busy to not think about it, but that didn't really help. I could not hav gotten through that time without Jonathan. It was a side of him that I really hadn't ever seen before. He was definitely my rock and even though it was not a happy time for either of us, it brought us closer together. Funny how things like that work.
That was it. It was over. There would be no baby. Its funny how it was something totally unexpected, but in the few weeks that followed, I was so happy and excited and looking forward to the adventure. Sure it wasn't perfect timing, but none of mine ever have been and they're wonderful and I couldn't imagine my life without them.
So Jonathan and I discussed it and decided our family didn't feel complete. We talked it over with the Doc and we were given the OK to try again whenever we wanted. Then we had to talk about, "is this really a good idea? Our house is too small, we're just making it by, I am diabetic and not in the best shape" But in the same breath we asked those questions we answered them, "The house can be added onto (eventually), we're OK - not great, but not on welfare or anything, and while I am over weight, I am actually in pretty good health, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol and I am a very well controlled diabetic. Also we thought about our ages. I am going to be 35, he's 47. If we are going to do this, we can't wait much longer. So we decided to just see what happens and take the approach of "If it's meant to be, it'll happen". I am very lucky to have the wonderful family that I have and while it would great to add to it, if that doesn't happen, it'll be OK.
Fast forward to today. It's the day before my 35th birthday. I don't feel old at all. In my brain, I was 16 yesterday :-) My kids are awesome. Elijah is definitely a handful and possibly the most rambunctious child I have ever been around. Abby and Bella are just as pretty as they can be and growing up too fast for me. Alex is a handsome and smart, yet strange boy... like his father haha. Cory graduated from high school with a scholarship and is working at a radio station while taking full time college classes. They are all so sweet and loving, with us and with each other. Sure they fuss at each other and there is some sibling rivalry, but they are at the ages I guess where it starts. It's so cool to see because my siblings and I were not close growing up. What they all don't know is that in 12-13 weeks, they'll have a new sibling :-)
I have been very anxious this whole pregnancy. I thought for sure I would have another miscarriage. Then when I made it to 12 weeks, I thought for sure I wouldn't make it to 18 weeks. The doctors have been great, seeing me every 2 weeks, sometimes more frequent for blood sugar checks, med checks and once because I had a painful stomach virus that really hurt in my belly button. I am now 24 weeks. I am seeing doctor Schulman again, who delivered Alex, Bella and Elijah. Due to the diabetes and my history of large babies (even when I was not diabetic) he will not let me go past 39 weeks which puts me at 2/8/13 for my due date. None of my kids waited until 39 weeks, so I am guessing between 1/25/13 to 2/8/13 we will have a new little baby. I am getting ready to head out to the doctor's office now for an ultrasound to check for any problems (and genetic problems) and also to confirm the sex.
I know some of our friends and family will have concerns and we understand that. But we are happy, we are excitd and we will make it work. It's strange, but everything that I have been through in the last year has made me cherish and love my husband and kids more than I ever thought I could. I feel like with them, I could conquer anything.
Have you ever been given something that you weren't expecting, but realized how much you wanted it and then it was taken away? I have actually had that happen twice in the last year. The first experience was with my niece's children. Without going into a bunch of detail, my niece was having a very hard time and her two children, ages 3 years and 17 months, came to stay with us. It was crazy with 6 kids in the house and 3 of them being 3 and under, but I loved it. Everything was going so well, after a few weeks, we were actually talking about her kids staying for upwards of 2 years so she could try and get her stuff together. The next day we were going to the lawyer to do guardianship paperwork so I could act as a parent to her children with things like doctor's appointments, child care, ect.. At the lawyer's office, my niece decided to send her kids to FL with her mother and they never came back to my house. It was not just the fact that they were sent elsewhere, there were also a lot of personal attacks on me, my family and my reasons for wanting to be the childrens' guardian, which were completely bogus, but it hurt. The attacks were not from my niece, but her mother and her ex mother-in-law. I was shocked and felt like I had been punched in the gut. I missed them terribly, still do. It was heartbreaking for me because I truly love them and felt very protective of them. But it was also heart breaking for my kids which made it even worse for me. I had to explain that they went to live with their grandmother and that they weren't coming back. Bella took it harder than the other kids. I just cried when Bella looked at me crying and said "But they were suppose to be here for Christmas".
It's still a sensitive subject for me because I really love her kids and I knew that once they went to their grandmother's house I would probably not have any contact with them again. It's been about 10 months and I have seen the 3 year old once since. I miss them and hope they are OK.
After going through that hurt, I thought about possibly fostering in the future and also that I was young enough that I could still have more of my own children if I wanted to and those thoughts certainly did help.
Fast forward then a few months to March. I was busy with the kids and dogs as usual. One day after I took the kids to school I realized that I was about a week late for my period. It didn't really phase me because I sometimes would go 4-5 months without a period, probably due to my weight and stress. But I thought "Maybe I better take a test". I ran down to the store and they had pregnancy tests that were $1 so I bought 4 of them. I came home and took 2 of them and they were immediately positive. I thought "No way, these are cheap, it's a false positive" So I called my niece because I know she had used the same kind before and I asked her if they were accurate. She got real serious and said "Yeah, they're the only tests I have ever used, so congrats. Oh and don't tell anyone, but since you're telling me this, I guess I'll tell you, I'm pregnant too". I still didn't believe it, so I called my family doctor and went in for a blood test. Sure enough the nurse calls me the next day and says "you are definitely pregnant!" All I could thing was "Wow, oh wow" I immediately started to worry. "How are we going to do this?" Jonathan was working 6 days a week between his 2 jobs and we were just starting to get back on our feet after being down for so long. Having another baby was a just a thought we had for the future MAYBE, not now. But then it hit me, we're a married couple, our children are awesome, Jonathan is working, we have health insurance, we're not on medicaid or welfare, we'll be OK. And we just kinda smiled and said "OK here we go!" and I was immediately relieved and excited.
I went ahead and made my first Dr appt and everything seemed fine. I went back the next week for an ultrasound to see how far along I was and I was 6 weeks 1 day, they could even see the heart beat. Doc said everything looked good, but because I am diabetic he was going to see me every 2 weeks throughout the pregnancy. Kind of annoying, but OK, no biggie.
Friday April 27th, the big kids are off to school, I have an appt at the vet to take my dog Spunky in for x-rays to do a puppy count and Elijah is being goofy Elijah. Spunky was acting really weird, and I contemplating on even taking her to the vet or just seeing what she does. We go to the vet, see 5, maybe 6 pups on film, I get her back in the van and before I even leave the parking lot, she starts having puppies in my car. We get home, I get her set up and allow her to labor in quiet. I decided to go outside and mow some of the grass. Elijah was in his stroller eating cheesy poofs while I mowed for a little while. Came back in to check on Spunky. I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding a little. I wasn't sure what to do, so I waited a little. Checked again and it was getting worse, but I felt completely fine. I called the Dr and a different doc called me back.
He told me it was probably nothing and that since the heartbeat had been detected, it was unlikely that I was having a miscarriage, but that if it got worse to call him back. So I let Jonathan know what was going on and that I was going to lay down. Not even 15 minutes later the cramps came on and the bleeding got much worse. I knew this was not going to end well. I emailed Jonathan and told him there would be no baby. I know it's going to sound gross, but I took pictures of what I was seeing to show my sister who works at an OB/GYN office and she said the same thing I was thinking, that much blood loss, I was miscarrying. Jonathan left work and came straight home. All I could do was cry. The kids came home from school and I tried to pull it together. The bleeding got worse. I called the doctor back, told him what was going on and he said to go to the ER. So we packed everyone up and headed over.
They were nice at the ER, but it was very uncomfortable because these aren't my doctors and the the ER is very open with only curtains separating the beds and you can hear everything. There was a boy to my right who had been playing with his brother , got hit in the face and had a foriegn body stuck up in his eye. He was lucky though because he didn't have any scratches on his cornea and they were able to get it right out. The woman to the left of me was having bad stomach pains and was diagnosed with ovarian cysts. Her husband was in med school and quit in his 3rd year. He almost seemed proud to tell the nurses that. So yeah, not very private and I am sure they all heard my problem. The doc there sent me for an ultrasound. The tech told me I couldn't see the screen and she couldnt tell me anything, I understand that. I was very embarrassed because I was bleeding so bad. I think it may have surprised the ultrasound tech too. As she is wheeling me back to the ER, the Dr came out of another curtain. They stood behind me and whispered to each other, right there in the hallway. I thought to myself "Damn, can't you at least get me back to my curtain area and not talk about me behind my back". So the Dr come in about 10 mins later and tells me it's a total miscarriage. I knew that already, but it's really hard to hear. He then tells me that I am losing too much blood and they need to give me medication to make my uterus clamp down to stop the bleeding. He said it will make my cramps a lot worse. I wasn't trying to be rude, but at that point I just said "Whatever, hurry up, I need to go home, it's 11pm and my husband has to be to work at 6 am" They gave me a pill there of Methergin and a script for 4 more pills that I had to take every 4 hours and a script for Lortab for the pain. We left and headed home. That was it. It was over. I bawled. It was made worse by the fact that the 24 hour Walgreens didn't have the Methergin. Then we stopped at the 24 CVS a the next corner. We specifically asked if they had the medication BEFORE we dropped it off and they told us yes they had it and to come back in 20 minutes. We pulled back around the drive through 18 minutes later and the lady comes to the window and says "I was just about to call you, we don't have it". I about flipped out. She tried to call some other pharmacies to get it and the only one that was open that had it was 20 some miles away. I told her forget it and to give me the script back. Then she started saying that this was a very serious medication and that I needed to take it. I told her to give me the script I'd just go get it in the morning. And then I cried the rest of the way home. The next few days were awful really. I just tried to stay busy to not think about it, but that didn't really help. I could not hav gotten through that time without Jonathan. It was a side of him that I really hadn't ever seen before. He was definitely my rock and even though it was not a happy time for either of us, it brought us closer together. Funny how things like that work.
That was it. It was over. There would be no baby. Its funny how it was something totally unexpected, but in the few weeks that followed, I was so happy and excited and looking forward to the adventure. Sure it wasn't perfect timing, but none of mine ever have been and they're wonderful and I couldn't imagine my life without them.
So Jonathan and I discussed it and decided our family didn't feel complete. We talked it over with the Doc and we were given the OK to try again whenever we wanted. Then we had to talk about, "is this really a good idea? Our house is too small, we're just making it by, I am diabetic and not in the best shape" But in the same breath we asked those questions we answered them, "The house can be added onto (eventually), we're OK - not great, but not on welfare or anything, and while I am over weight, I am actually in pretty good health, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol and I am a very well controlled diabetic. Also we thought about our ages. I am going to be 35, he's 47. If we are going to do this, we can't wait much longer. So we decided to just see what happens and take the approach of "If it's meant to be, it'll happen". I am very lucky to have the wonderful family that I have and while it would great to add to it, if that doesn't happen, it'll be OK.
Fast forward to today. It's the day before my 35th birthday. I don't feel old at all. In my brain, I was 16 yesterday :-) My kids are awesome. Elijah is definitely a handful and possibly the most rambunctious child I have ever been around. Abby and Bella are just as pretty as they can be and growing up too fast for me. Alex is a handsome and smart, yet strange boy... like his father haha. Cory graduated from high school with a scholarship and is working at a radio station while taking full time college classes. They are all so sweet and loving, with us and with each other. Sure they fuss at each other and there is some sibling rivalry, but they are at the ages I guess where it starts. It's so cool to see because my siblings and I were not close growing up. What they all don't know is that in 12-13 weeks, they'll have a new sibling :-)
I have been very anxious this whole pregnancy. I thought for sure I would have another miscarriage. Then when I made it to 12 weeks, I thought for sure I wouldn't make it to 18 weeks. The doctors have been great, seeing me every 2 weeks, sometimes more frequent for blood sugar checks, med checks and once because I had a painful stomach virus that really hurt in my belly button. I am now 24 weeks. I am seeing doctor Schulman again, who delivered Alex, Bella and Elijah. Due to the diabetes and my history of large babies (even when I was not diabetic) he will not let me go past 39 weeks which puts me at 2/8/13 for my due date. None of my kids waited until 39 weeks, so I am guessing between 1/25/13 to 2/8/13 we will have a new little baby. I am getting ready to head out to the doctor's office now for an ultrasound to check for any problems (and genetic problems) and also to confirm the sex.
I know some of our friends and family will have concerns and we understand that. But we are happy, we are excitd and we will make it work. It's strange, but everything that I have been through in the last year has made me cherish and love my husband and kids more than I ever thought I could. I feel like with them, I could conquer anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)